These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
