I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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