Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
