yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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