Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
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