some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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