it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
