You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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