get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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