birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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