the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
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