i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
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