What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
