I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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