Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
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