the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
