my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
pray to the hookup gods
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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