I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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