I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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