I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Randomize
