Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
