youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
