Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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