I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
