I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
