I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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