eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
