I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
