You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
