I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
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