y did u give ur computer a hand job?
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
