ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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