Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
