Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
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My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
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Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
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