allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
