My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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