he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
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It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
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She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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