I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
