Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
