There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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