I could have mohawked her pubes.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
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