Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
