are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
