Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
i now understand why vodka
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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