I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Randomize
