I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
