a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
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