Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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