he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
