Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
