dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
BRING THE BAGELS
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
