Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
