Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
