Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
