I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
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