My pussy is not your playground.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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