he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
