Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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