and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize