The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
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